Communication and Locus of Control

I’ve never doubted the power of words. I was the fat girl growing up. I learned all too quickly the way other peoples words could affect me. I can just as easily be brought up with a compliment as I can be brought down by a fat joke. I run a fine line with communication. I love it, I study it, I live my life centered around it. But, because of that I put so much stock in communication with others that it can take over my life. I’m tainted. Every interaction I have with other people is over analyzed in my brain. Every second I spend with another person engaged in a conversation I am focused on what they are saying to me, what they are doing with their body as they say these things, what I think they are trying to say, and how I am going to respond to all of this when it’s my turn to talk. It makes for great conversation and great interactions but, it can be exhausting. The mental weight that every conversation I have creates this sense of anxiety that feels like the weight of the world. This gets even worse when the communication goes beyond the friendly level. When feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams, and lust all get into the conversation it gets even more complicated for me. You see, I have what shrinks like to call “an external locus of control.” Basically it means that everything that happens outside of myself directly effects the way I see myself. If I am in a room where people hate me then I see myself as a person worth of their hate. So that starts to spin out of control in those tricky conversations where the fate of my heart and self worth are all tied up in how this boy speaks to me and treats me. Its not often I feel very good about myself. It’s a direct product of being the fat girl, the ginger, the loud one, the weird one. I’ve developed this locus of control outside of myself that has over the years began to pick away at my skin like a tag in the collar of your shirt. I give off this air of confidence. I’ve developed a damn good mask over the years that I have been able to hide behind. My false air of control and confidence allows people to be more open around me but it also allows them to walk all over me the minute my confidence falters. I’ve been so frustrated with my interactions lately because it’s become so clear that I put my locus of control in the hands of the wrong people. I feel like I’m being used. I know I am being used. It’s a tricky feeling for a girl like me who depends so much on the acceptance and approval of other people to deal with the feeling of being used. On one hand I am happy to be used, happy to bend over backwards, because that makes me feel accepted. But on the other hand, I hate it, I hate being the girl that some boy can walk all over and play games with. I’ve developed a budding friendship with a boy because I was finally able to tell it to him straight and strike a balance between helping and being used. But once that situation settled down and I started to feel better about it, I walked into an identical situation. The only difference this time is that it’s a different boy and this boy I have a lot of complicated feeling about. It’s hard to not let the guy you like take advantage of your good nature. It’s impossible to say no to someone that you want to make happy, someone you want to spend time with. But what’s even more impossible is living with the feelings of guilt and anger that I have every time I walk away from him. I feel guilty because I am letting myself get played and angry at him for even treating me this way. But, if you look at my relationship history, it’s all the same, jerk guy taking control of me and using me, and then breaking my heart under the premise of my looks. So I wonder where to go from here? It’s hard to teach a old dog new tricks. Twenty three might not look that old to most, but I’m an old soul, and I’m tired of trying to change myself. I learned along time ago that my life was going to suck if I put all my sense of self worth in the way others see me. I also learned how hard it is to change something like that. You can change your hair color, lose weight, change your style, but you can’t change your basic mental state. So what I am to do? I don’t think there is an answer. You can’t tell me to stop letting him walk all over me because I can’t. You can’t tell me he’s not worth it and there is someone better out there because right now he is the be all end all to me and I know my life and my prospects and there isn’t much going on outside of him. I guess the only logical solution comes back to communication. I should tell him how I feel about him and about the situations he puts me in. But communication is hard and that “talk” is one that I’ve had more than once in my life and been burned, badly, every single time. But there is no solution that can be found without communication. So now it’s back to the textbooks, class notes, and personal experience because somewhere in my knowledge of this field is a way to approach the situation. Now, if only I could come up with the guts to even go there.