You see, I have this theory. I truly believe that every once
in a while life gives you a chance to reinvent yourself. For some women it’s a
new hair cut, dress, or lipstick. For me the reinvention involves a moment of
internal epiphany – a split second when I decide my life is going to be
different.
I remember the first time I felt the pull of this opportunity; I was a freshmen in high school. I felt some odd build up of excitement and pessimism. I was listening to jaded music that brought out some bitter side of me that was a direct result of the sideshow my life had been leading up to that. I felt like I had to make a statement. I would be the girl to laugh first, the girl to make you laugh first because I’d been a constant victim of drive by “humor” that left the masses in laughing fits and me simply wanting crumble. I’d stand out in a crowd for who I was. It would not be my physical appearance, my build, my hair, that would first draw them in. It would be the words and laughter seeping from my pores. That’s what they would see, that would be what they remembered. I used my Irish gift of gab as weapon against the world and I learned make them adore the very best sides of me. I hid the insecure little girl who wrote crappy poetry at night and listened to Janis Joplin songs with her cat. I took my jaded view of the world and turned it into comedy and like the best comics I kept them coming back to sold out shows in the halls and classrooms of my high school. I found an equally messed up group of kids to call my crew and we numbed the pain of small town Midwest kids the best way we knew how. Bon fires, back roads, drunken nights in farmers fields, and telling ourselves we were invincible.
Though we may have been invincible, our time together wasn’t. You add one girl with a small ambition to make it out of this country one day and work at a job she doesn’t hate and mix it with a group of kids that have no dreams past their latest bottle of whiskey and an end is inevitable. I finished my high school career and the moment my diploma was in my hand I took one mental step out of that town. Then, once that final summer was over I took my first physical step. I crossed the bridge and once again a chance of reinvention was presented to me. I could go somewhere else in the world where nobody knew me. They didn’t remember me by nasty play ground jokes that never really went away, they didn’t remember me as the girl of “that group” they had no memories of me but the ones I could create. I made new friends that once again I thought would last forever, but freshmen year friends that last forever are a rare and loyal breed. The reality is that only one truly lasted past that first marker year, the one who knew me best. The girl who stayed up late with me while I poured my heart and soul out about my entire life. She was with me when the lights went down on the stand up routine that I call life and she never once made me feel like I was the jaded, messed up person I always felt, feel, like I am.
She’s the perfect example of the people I have met on my journey through my college career. The great thing about ivory towers is that you get to pick and choose the people you allow to enter your gates. You don’t have to deal with people simply because you’re stuck in the same small town school they are. Granted in this place not dealing with people often times means turning a blind eye, this is a small school with towers placed very closely together. So ,you weed through the bad people and hope that the plants you gather are flowers. You press them in books and you promise yourself forever because you feel like forever is the greatest possibility in the world. I’ve spent so much time in my Ivory Tower in the Upper Peninsula, I’ve stumbled and fallen and learned to take my time because the journey has been everything and the destination feels like too much.
Which brings me to now, that latest and greatest chance for reinvention. No longer do I need dwell on the fears of making a complete fool of myself and being forced to pass by towers with people inside laughing, always laughing – at me. This time next year I will be a memory. A student in the photos from the games, the only moments I ever felt it was OK to put my heart and soul into something because being denied victory, no matter how much you love the team is never as painful as being denied as a human being. I will be a lingering force of laughter and love in the hearts I have touched in the years I have studied here. I will be immortal in the only way possible for humans, in the hearts of the people who remember me. In my final reinvention of the soul in my academic career I have promised myself to stop muting the lights, grabbing the mike, and making them laugh all the time. For once in my life I want to be something more than the girl who can create laughter in a split second with a snarky choice of words and a well placed self put down. I want to be remembered as the girl who truly loves. The girl with a soul red with passion much like the hair that frames her face. The memory of the friend, fan, and fellow student who made you feel appreciated, loved, and respected. The people that I have locked deeply within my heart are the most lovable, admirable, and respectable beings I have ever had the honor of knowing. That is what gives me hope, for if I can be surrounded by people that I can love, admire, and respect it must then mean there is something inside me worthy of the great human trinity. A three part mix of the greatest things another human being can give you.
So, maybe then, this isn’t a reinvention, it’s a new release of the same show I’ve always done, with more behind the scenes footage on what drives the comic. A raw un cut bonus selection riddled with human flaws of a lack of self esteem and a need to be loved, admired, and respected. A truth I will attest to until my dying day, the humor is a shield, but the look in my eyes when I stand before you and speak will always be the truth. The slight increase of fluids in my eyes, the quiver of my lip, the redness of my cheeks, and the catch in my voice will reveal what I’m really trying to say. My message that you move me to feel and to be, because you are human beings that matter to me. You are the stars in the winter sky that twinkle with promise even on the coldest of nights. The stars I wish upon when I make my promise to make this final year the best year I have ever had in my life. The whisper that I will “be myself and either be loved or left behind.” Because I’m starting to learn that no matter what I look like, what I say, or what I do, there is going to be a group of people dead set on hurting me. However, more importantly no matter what I look like, what I say, or what I do, there is always going to a group of people dead set on loving me. Laker Loving me, because with Laker Love, the more you give, the more you get.
