I’d be lying if I said 2012 treated me well. The tail end of
2011 was a slow tragedy leading into the sadness that surrounded 2012. I
remember arriving at my parents house only to turn around and return to the Soo
because a friend of mine was dealing with personal tragedy. I sat across from
him at my kitchen table and we talked about death and sadness lingered in the
air. Meanwhile around that time we put Gramps in hospice care. Mortality is a
terrifying side effect of life. I suppose it was no surprise, if I’m being
honest Gramps had been dying a slow death for years, but the impending doom of
death hung in the air twisting and flashing amongst the twinkling Christmas
lights we’d hung in his room. I knew when I kissed him on the forehead the
night before I left for Ohio that I would probably never see him again, and I
didn’t. Shortly after the beginning of the new year he closed his eyes for the
final time and finally he was free of pain. It was both heartbreaking and
relieving in one fell swoop. I dearly loved—love my Grandfather, but for as
long as I can remember he’d been sad.
There was a sadness in his heart that came from losing my Grandmother to
cancer when she was so young, and to then later in life lose his old friend,
soulmate, and wife to another form of cancer. So when he finally slipped away I
felt selfishly sad and comforted in knowing that perhaps he was reunited with
the women that he so dearly missed. It was a rough way to begin a new year, but
my heart was healing and I was moving on. Then, tragedy struck again, this time
unexpectedly. My only surviving Grandmother was a force of nature. My father’s
mom was a woman that greatly shaped me into the person that I am today. She was
a lover of life, a zealot when it came to laughter, and a true angel walking on
earth. She was 89 years old with more spunk and life in her than most kids my
age. But, in one fell swoop life caught up with her, just short of 9 decades of
life she suffered a stroke. She held on for a week and then the last of my
grandparents silently left this earth. She was much older than my Grandfather
on my mom’s side of the family, but her death was the surprising one of the
two. I sat on the stool and listened as my mom took the call from my dad as he
whispered the news I had hoped wouldn’t come. I left minutes later to drive
back to my home in the Soo and in that hour long drive I mourned the loss of
two grandparents. I was overcome with a new felt sadness for Grandma Marnie, my
mom’s mother. The woman I never met. I cried for Grandma Connie, my mom’s
stepmom and a woman I barely remember. I choked back sobs over the loss of Pa,
my dad’s father and a man I was robbed of at a such a young age. There was a
sudden realization that I had reached the point in my life where I no longer
had grandparents. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought of my parents, now
parentless and I was filled with unbridled terror over the thought that I too
would someday have to live without my parents. I cursed and I screamed and I
cried as I drove north on I-75. This was the start of my year and already I had
had enough. I wished the year away.
As Spring broke we said our final goodbyes to Gram in a funeral service filled with both tears and laughter. I was glad for the laughter, because I knew Gram would have wanted it that way. Summer slowly crept in and a clash of family schedules postponed Gramps’ memorial. I spent all Summer slowly but surely healing. I knew I owed it to my Grandparents to pick my heart up off the floor, dust it off, and move on. In the early Fall we gathered on a boat to send Gramps’ off for one last sail on the water. As we sprinkled his ashes into the lake that holds so much meaning to my mother’s family I choked back tears and read the poem that always meant so much to him. It was the final chapter in the year of loss for me.
As Fall dragged on I was filled with a feeling of new beginnings. Fall has always been special to me, I was born in the Fall, and something about the crisp air, the leaves whispering in the winds, and the beautiful sunsets have always moved me. I’ve always believed that with loss comes gain and I was on the brink of gaining new members of my family. For me family has always been about love, not blood. Family to me is a strong sense of connection to another human being, an undying love and appreciation for someone that finds themselves deeply enclosed in the crevices of your heart. I found my new family members in a place that has always been a beacon of hope and happiness in my life. I met two of my dearest friends—sisters in that place. The motto I’ve always had in regards to our friendship is “all I had to do was turn around.” They’d been standing behind me as I stood in front of the glass for months and suddenly I turned around and our friendship was born. That same magic happened again this year. I turned around and looked around and found a whole new group of people. A friendship forged through a shared passion for hockey, slightly warped senses of humor, and a need for family whilst away from the ones we already called family. Those people have been the saving grace for the year of 2012. Suddenly a year that had made me feel so alone suddenly made me feel supported. Though I do not know these individuals as well as I would personally like to, our times together have made me smile and laugh during a year I was sure would only be filled with tears.
As I sit on the brink of a brand new year I can’t help but be hopeful. Though with these new friends came a specific person that made me shed tears for a form of heartbreak I’m all too familiar with, I wouldn’t never wish them away. They have given me what I so desperately needed, a feeling of family. Though these people and this bond can never replace the Grandparents I’ve lost this year, they can help heal the sadness that came from that loss. I can only cling to them and the memories we create as I finish up the last moments in the town I’ve loved and lived in for over half a decade. I can tuck them safely in the crevices of my heart and keep them with me even when I finally leave this place. I shudder to think what this year would have been had I not met them. For a girl that avoids using words like fate and destiny I can’t help but think that I was meant to still be here and a searching for family because it was in the year of loss that I gained so very much.
As Spring broke we said our final goodbyes to Gram in a funeral service filled with both tears and laughter. I was glad for the laughter, because I knew Gram would have wanted it that way. Summer slowly crept in and a clash of family schedules postponed Gramps’ memorial. I spent all Summer slowly but surely healing. I knew I owed it to my Grandparents to pick my heart up off the floor, dust it off, and move on. In the early Fall we gathered on a boat to send Gramps’ off for one last sail on the water. As we sprinkled his ashes into the lake that holds so much meaning to my mother’s family I choked back tears and read the poem that always meant so much to him. It was the final chapter in the year of loss for me.
As Fall dragged on I was filled with a feeling of new beginnings. Fall has always been special to me, I was born in the Fall, and something about the crisp air, the leaves whispering in the winds, and the beautiful sunsets have always moved me. I’ve always believed that with loss comes gain and I was on the brink of gaining new members of my family. For me family has always been about love, not blood. Family to me is a strong sense of connection to another human being, an undying love and appreciation for someone that finds themselves deeply enclosed in the crevices of your heart. I found my new family members in a place that has always been a beacon of hope and happiness in my life. I met two of my dearest friends—sisters in that place. The motto I’ve always had in regards to our friendship is “all I had to do was turn around.” They’d been standing behind me as I stood in front of the glass for months and suddenly I turned around and our friendship was born. That same magic happened again this year. I turned around and looked around and found a whole new group of people. A friendship forged through a shared passion for hockey, slightly warped senses of humor, and a need for family whilst away from the ones we already called family. Those people have been the saving grace for the year of 2012. Suddenly a year that had made me feel so alone suddenly made me feel supported. Though I do not know these individuals as well as I would personally like to, our times together have made me smile and laugh during a year I was sure would only be filled with tears.
As I sit on the brink of a brand new year I can’t help but be hopeful. Though with these new friends came a specific person that made me shed tears for a form of heartbreak I’m all too familiar with, I wouldn’t never wish them away. They have given me what I so desperately needed, a feeling of family. Though these people and this bond can never replace the Grandparents I’ve lost this year, they can help heal the sadness that came from that loss. I can only cling to them and the memories we create as I finish up the last moments in the town I’ve loved and lived in for over half a decade. I can tuck them safely in the crevices of my heart and keep them with me even when I finally leave this place. I shudder to think what this year would have been had I not met them. For a girl that avoids using words like fate and destiny I can’t help but think that I was meant to still be here and a searching for family because it was in the year of loss that I gained so very much.
No comments:
Post a Comment