I remember the first moment I saw him. Something deep inside me screamed. A loud earth-shattering scream that vibrated through my entire body. His smile. Oh, his smile. It was like a lighthouse guiding, drawing me in after years of floating out at sea. That first night, everyone could see it in my eyes. A new light, slowly seeping into my hazel eyes, my heart was awake. That first night we spent in my sacred temple. I forgot to say my prayers because I was, in that moment all consumed. He stood so near and I could feel his warmth. I could hear the bells in the distance or perhaps it was a ringing from the blood rushing to my face. Then he made me laugh. He made me throw my head back and laugh the way my Grandmother taught me how. It echoed off the ceiling and he smiled. I made him laugh. A deep laugh working its way from his toes to the ceiling. It circled through the air and encompassed me. It lit up the part of my heart I had promised to let remain dark. His eyes, the way they danced to the sound of our jokes, lost in a melody no one but us two could appreciate. That first moment, first night, I was so sure it was the start of many…and it was.
I remember the first night he let me entangle myself in him. We sat close, too close for friends. We shared whispers and secrets. I snuck a glance, and he was looking back. Our eyes locked and we stared at each other. Something so comfortable about the discomfort of looking into each other’s windows of the soul. I smiled and he whispered “What?” and I knew there was no reason for that question—he knew. Our bare arms touched and sparks ignited in the dimly lit room and I shook from both fear and excitement. Who was I in that moment, but a young girl on the verge of something she thought wasn’t possible? I asked the stars for more moments like that and they gave me what I needed.
I remember the way it felt to fold into him. He shifted and twisted so that I could lie beneath his sun. My fingers stretched to get lost within his hair and he tilted his head and I believed. I danced with my friends on back porches making more wishes on the stars of Northern Michigan and they smiled. Something was starting, and like a wildfire spreading through my veins I burned with hope. I was sure, I’d never been so sure. The girl that swore destiny was a lie that people told themselves started whispering words such as fate and the stars twinkled.
I remember the first sick twisted shred of doubt as it crept into my mind. I remember crying in front of the people I loved and them telling me hope was not lost. The same twinkle that danced within my eyes was there within his. I confided in my brothers that my heart was falling and they held me and told me that I deserved this feeling. My captain took my hand and told me I was beautiful and meant to be loved. I believed. I set timeframes and created opportunities to bring him to me. I reached out and touched the flame and came out unscathed. I was sure. They were sure. It was only a matter of time—or so I thought.
I remember the night he shattered the last beating corner of my heart. I stood within my temple and he softly whispered venom in my ear and I nodded my head like an obedient child. There is no such thing as fate. This silly girl should have known. My Irish blood craved escape within a bottle and I drank. I forced laughter to my face while my friends saw the broken bits of glass in my eyes. I sat on tables and sang silly songs and he watched. He tuned in to watch the show that he was directing and my past whispered lines for me to say. I escaped to a cold porch and looked up to find no stars. He asked me questions and I gave him truths he wasn’t ready to hear. We murmured false apologies that neither of us meant and I bled out in front of him.
I remember lying in bed replaying moments and analyzing footage. Something deep inside me screamed again, this time the scream was blood curdling pain. I refused to run aground in front of his lighthouse, I refused to let the shore rip my ship apart. He refused to push me away so I answered his muted calls. I catered and pined and clung to the hope, my friends, brothers, and captain had given me. I clung to the hope that swelled when his golden browns reflected in my hazels. The longer that I looked the more the stars laughed.
I remember giving. Letting little pieces of the broken glass fall into his hands thinking the heat from his body would meld them into something solid again. Like lightning striking sands on the shores of Lake Superior I thought he could meld my tiny pieces into a beautiful sculpted mess. But though the thunder rolled the lightning never struck. In a last ditch effort for salvation I rained upon him and he pulled on his raincoat and turned away.
I remember giving in and giving up. I swept the broken glass into my pocket and slowly turned away. Salt water poured from my eyes and I let it fall to the ground. I pulled anchor and slowly turned back out into the dark December seas. I set a course for anywhere but here and I looked for the stars. The stars that promised and then laughed had disappeared. A cold winter of the soul had settled in and the clouds covered the sky. The compass that had spun in his direction was now cracked and broken and tossed into the waves. I turned one last time to see if his lighthouse was still shining and though I could see its outline in the distance its light had burned out. I sailed into the dark without him ever knowing the life changing goods I had come to deliver. They stayed wrapped up in tattered boxes within the hull of my ship waiting for a lighthouse keeper with courage to shine for me.
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